Empty Spaces
by plutospawn
Summary: Overwhelmed when a mission goes wrong, Shepard has a moment of weakness. Takes place during the events of Mass Effect 3.


The day Zaeed Massani died was the day that Jane Shepard lost her mind.

Who was he? He was a mercenary, he was no one. Crude and ruthless with loyalty that was steadfastly dependent on your bank account, he had always put her on the cusp of discomfort over his lack of remorse. Jane had always said she could trust him as far as she could toss him and given the heavy armor he equipped himself with, she only hoped they were close to an airlock if the need arose.

Still, to see him on his knees and surrounded by dead mercenaries shook her. He was Zaeed Massani. The Zaeed Massani who was shot, execution style in the head and lived to tell the tale. Anyone else would have died in that situation, but Zaeed Massani stubbornly lived on because he was Zaeed Massani. Indestructible, invincible, unkillable. If he could die, where did that leave everyone else?

And he grinned at her! With his teeth painted red, he looked almost proud.

"Hell of a fight, Shepard." His armor was red, the carpet was red... there was so much red. "You should have seen it."

So simple and casual and then no more. One wet, bubbling inhale to get that meaningless sentence out and then Zaeed crumpled onto the floor. The founder of the Blue Suns, the infamous mercenary Zaeed Massani was dead.

The volus ambassador tried to negotiate with her. He didn't understand the tragedy of the scene, or the anxiety rising up in her throat in a manner that was almost comical. Shepard wasn't entirely sure, but she may have laughed, even. It was hard to keep track of all the nuances, the little personal tics that were there to remind the galaxy, to remind herself, that underneath it all Jane Shepard was still a fallible human being.

Had it been any other day or time, she would have talked to Din Korlack. She would have made him remember his duty and the bigger picture. But that was before phantom whispers of doubt had wormed their way in, burrowed past her eyes and deep into her soul.

Ashley. Mordin. Thane. Udina. Kelly. Legion.

Who would be next? Zaeed should not have weighed as heavily on her as he did. Then again, she shouldn't have pistol whipped the ambassador, either. She had plenty of time to consider what that would do to volus-human relations in the years to come when C-Sec found her in the apartment surrounded by bodies and brought her in.

It got her both the name of the colony and the volus bomber fleet out of Korlack, though.

Commander Bailey was quick to dismiss any charges. He refused to release her, however, until one of her crew members came to pick her up. Smart man, Bailey. He quietly watched her, maybe out of respect for her state of mind, maybe because he was nursing hidden wounds of his own, but his gaze remained steady and silent until Garrus arrived.

Funny, she would have put money on it being Kaidan and she said as much. Garrus only nodded.

"He wanted to initially," the turian said. With the way he drew out his words, she couldn't tell if he was trying his hand at comic timing or just dreading what he was about to say. "But I said, 'tough'."

The glibness pulled Shepard away from all the world-crushing decisions she had made and all the others she would inevitably have to make. She blinked. "Really?"

"No." Garrus always sounded so tired, anymore. She hated that she was too drained to lift some of the pressure off of his shoulders. "But given what Bailey told us, I explained to Kaidan that I thought you needed a neutral party. With all that you two have been through, I just thought you'd need a friend, not some intense moment with an ex who had the indecency to dump you over inconveniently dying on him."

"Thanks." A smile began to sneak up, creeping in at the corners of her mouth. "I kind of snapped back there, I don't know what happened. I don't know how I would have dealt with him judging me over that right now. You never judge anyone, Garrus. I appreciate that."

He snorted. "I judge people all the time. But you? I had you weighed and measured years ago. I don't need to judge you anymore, Shepard, you're a known quantity."

She raised an eyebrow. "Is that a good thing?"

"Maybe we should just head back to the Normandy." He patted her on the shoulder and directed her toward the exit of C-Sec headquarters. After they walked up the staircase and made their way to the elevator, with the only sound between them being the click of their footsteps he said, "Of course it's a good thing."

"And here you had me worried for a minute," she said.

As the elevator door shut and cut them off from the rest of the world, he looked at her. "What happened back there, Shepard?"

She sucked in air through her teeth.

"What really happened back there?" he amended.

"Zaeed's dead." Shepard felt herself deflate as she exhaled. "And I don't know. It wasn't that it was him. It's just..."

"We've been losing a lot of people," Garrus said. He looked away and pinned his gaze on the floor level that the elevator was sinking into. "A lot of good people."

"Yeah." The memorial wall within the Normandy was a constant, unapologetic reminder. The names had weight and would stare matter-of-factly at her and all Shepard could focus on was how many spaces on the plaque were still empty. She had caught Tali and Garrus staring at it from time to time. Shepard wondered if it taunted them in the same way it did her. One mistake, one wrong judgment and she would be cutting someone's name out of her heart, transferring it onto that wall in blood.

The elevator door opened and deposited them into the docking bay. They were going to have to add Zaeed's name to all the others. How many spaces were left? And were all the empty slots proof that she was doing something right or just that she hadn't had the opportunity to mess up yet?

"I miss Thane." She spoke so softly that she almost hoped Garrus hadn't heard her.

It was easy to rationalize that Thane's death had been anticipated. That it would have happened regardless. It didn't change the fact that she hadn't been ready, that she never would have been ready. Shepard still wanted to tantrum and claw like an adolescent at any shred of one last moment she could have shared with him.

He said he would meet her on the other side of the sea. He knew she would hold him to that. She would evaporate the sea and trek through the dilapidated husk of the ocean floor to make her way to him. Her life so far had proved chaotic, her nightmares promised a violent end, if there was no peace in death she insisted that there would be Thane.

Garrus slung an arm around her shoulder. "It's going to get worse before it gets better," he said. "But it will get better."

Shepard looked up at him. "Yeah?"

"Of course." He pulled her past huddled refugees and docking officials. "I'm here. That should have been your first sign that things are getting better. But I would like some recognition for winning all your wars for you."

"Uh huh." She grinned.

"Who took out Saren? Garrus Vakarian." The scarring across his jaw stretched and paled as he smirked. He led her toward the docked Normandy. "What about that time with Sovereign? I believe Garrus Vakarian was also involved with that. How about the collectors? Yeah, you also needed Garrus Vakarian that time, too."

"Well, when you put it like that." They walked up the loading ramp and she punched in the ship's entry codes.

"I know. You don't need to thank me, I'm just fantastic."

There was a shift in pressure as they entered the decontamination chamber. "Where would I be without you, Vakarian?"

He let his arm slip from her shoulder and nodded. "Dead."

"Thanks." She nodded back at him. "You're right, you know. It will get better."

"I know." Garrus started to walk towards the main walkway of the ship, and then paused. "I'm glad you're back with us, Commander."

"Yeah." Shepard watched his back until obscured by the galaxy map he vanished into the elevator.

She believed him. Garrus said it would get better, so it just would. Shepard had to view the memorial plaque differently. The names were devastating, but they were a foundation. Ashley, Mordin, Thane, Legion and now, Zaeed. Their names were examples of the necessary, unwavering bravery. They would be strong enough, selfless enough to hold her up for the trials that were to come. They were the unified voice that chanted, "No more. Not one more name."

Shepard smiled. It was getting better already.


End file.
